The Velvet Café

“I’ve got a new Barbie doll. She’s pretty. It’s Diana!”

“Oooh! Lucky you. I want to play with her!”

“OK, let’s do that. So here’s Diana going home from her job”.

“What’s her job?”

“I don’t know. Being famous I suppose.”

“Her shoes are pretty. So high heels! And she can walk in them. I don’t know anyone who can walk like that. When I borrow mum’s shoes I fall all the time”.

“She was in a princess school. They teach them to walk like princesses there.”

“OK, now she’s home what happens now?”

“Hm… She’ll take off her shoes and put on her pyjama. I think… she’s a little sad. She feels lonely”.

“Poor Diana”.

[nods]

“She needs a prince.”

“Nooooo! The prince is evil! Don’t you remember? You can’t trust a prince.”

“OK; he’s not a prince… He’s a… doctor!”

They met at the hospital and he saves lives and Diana wants to do that too and now they kiss…”

“Ewww”

“But they can’t tell anyone”.

“Why?”

“I don’t know…The prince will get angry maybe. Anyway they have to hide.”

“Yes! Let’s play masquerade! So Diana put on a wig and no one recognises her!”

“Cool! And then they go to a hamburger restaurang”.

“And Diana didn’t know what to do because she’s just lived in a palace where they have all those cooks and eat on golden plats. So she’s like “What’s this?”

“They should marry.”

“The doctor? No, they can’t. His mother doesn’t like her.”

“Awww. Poor Diana!”

And so on. I think you get it.

No smell or taste
Diana is not a terrible movie. But it makes me think of Barbie dolls. It doesn’t smell anything, it doesn’t taste much, and it leaves you without a trace. Void of a soul, void of everything that resembles to a personality. It’s a Diana made in plastic, designed to do as little harm as possible, not making anyone upset.

It must be hard to make a more interesting movie about Diana at this point. In the movie they barely touched upon the relationship with her sons at all. It’s understandable. It would feel disrespectful to put out their personal tragedies at display, to be devoured by a crowd hungry for sensations.

I think this movie will work well enough for fans of Diana who want to see something nice about her.  At its best it’s got a touch of Notting Hill where the Princess Star meets the Man of the People (as much as you can be considered a man of the people when you’re a heart surgeon and a member of a wealthy family). There are a few scenes where Diana tries to do things that normal people do, such as cooking and vacuuming, that are somewhat sweet. And being hopelessly romantic, I can never hear Jacques Brel singing Ne me quitte pas without tearing up a bit.

But unless you’re a Diana devotee, determined to collect every doll there is, my advice is to skip over this one.

Diana (Oliver Hirschbiegel, UK 2013) My rating: 2/5